That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
