if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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