You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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