Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
