If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
