Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize