ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
