if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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