my being single is dangerous.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
