In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
