mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
