my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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