Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
