Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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