just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Where is the hickey?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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