what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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