That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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