my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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