It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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