I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
