Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
