I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize