Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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