My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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