He uses pillows to masturbate.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
