I want you more than these girls want KFC
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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