woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
why is half of my head shaved?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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