I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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