I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
How external is "for external use only"?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
