Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
