I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
