Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
