I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
These tits shall not be calmed
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize