Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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