I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
