i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
