i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
