According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
