I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
