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woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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