I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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