I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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