my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
