Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
she peed on how many people?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
