People in love make me want to vomit
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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