weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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