I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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