I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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