Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
