I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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