I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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