sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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