I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
