Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
