I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
