He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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