Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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