dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize
