my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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