my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
