I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
