Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
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