you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
