I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
