Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
